Mind trap

If you are an addict the solution is to avoid drugs and situations that trigger your cravings. If you have diabetes you avoid sugar and unhealthy food. It is very hard to do so, but for many disorders the solution that makes you healthier is taking control and avoid things that make you sick. ANGST uses this logic or common sense to take control. The more I avoid what makes me anxious the sicker and fear fuller I get. This leads me into its trap and it paralyses me being totally awake. If I don't try to avoid my fear I get panic attacks, too. I'm trapped, there is no way out.

Angst Fear is a basic emotion that protects us from the bad. In my case it is like a claw that strangles me every day. It wasn't always like that. I was once free. I could go through life without ANGST. I long for this freedom, but I'm a prisoner. I'm infested with this feelings and thoughts that make me want to throw up. When I look around at other people I see them as innocent. They haven't experienced it, they are living without realizing that everything could end at any moment. They live as if nothing could ever happen to them. They can enjoy their moments immaculately. They haven't opened the door to ANGST. I did. It wasn't on purpose or something I decided consciously. I let it in when I was weak. Over time I let it take control of my thoughts and after a while of my actions. It is taking over and I'm just its puppet. I think about dying and death every day. Does anyone but me realize how many times in our lives we could have dyed? Our life is so improbable, it is far more likely that we, that I would not exist. My conclusion should be that I should enjoy every moment and experience everything I can as long as it lasts. But this is not how my brain works. I'm afraid of traveling, being alone, being in crowds, of my work in the lab as a scientist, from the toxins I work with, dying from my heart condition, dying from allergies, choking on something, speaking in public, riding a train etc. I wash my hands all the time, but I still don't touch anything that I eat or cook. Everywhere I travel I will look up if there is a hospital near by. But my dream was and still is to travel and see the world, experience new things, taste different food, help people in need around the world, being an explorer. I can't because of my fear and it makes me sick. I hate myself for it. This is not who I am! This is a nightmare that doesn't end when I wake up. I don't want to infect my kids with my fear. I want to be a brave woman, mother and wife. Will there ever be a way out? Drugs are not an option for me. I want and need a clear and conscious mind. I want to be innocent again.